Misery Acquaints a Man with Strange Bedfellows
by demonbarber14
Summary: After Don and Cathy get together, a heartbroken Cosmo finds solace in an unexpected place. Total crackfic.


11

Lina Lamont

What was there to say about Lina Lamont? There was nothing that hadn't been said already, whether splashed onto fan magazines or whispered behind her back. No one knew what was true anymore, not even Lena. She'd even believed that story about how she met Don for the first time and fell in love with him at first sight. At least it seemed like she believe it, from the way she'd clung onto him every second. She was an actress after all.

That was an understatement, if there ever was one. Even "Star" with a capital S didn't quite cover what she was. There were countless jokes about how impossible it was to see a picture without her in it, but that wasn't even the beginning of her popularity. With all the products she allegedly endorsed and the magazine covers she posed for, someone could go through life never having _seen_ a movie and still know of her as a model. That was how she started off, after all. Or was it? That was one story, at least. And not even one of the more interesting ones at that.

It certainly could have been how she got her start, Cosmo Brown considered, as he watched her greet everyone at the party, as though she were the hostess. She looked even more radiant than ever, which made sense considering how recently and publicly Don had left her. She'd been smart enough not to make comments about him and Kathy to any of the other guests; whenever he wandered into her general vicinity, she had simply continued her conversations, but with a wistful look in her eye, perfectly honed after years of playing the ingénue.

Cosmo downed another glass of champagne, trying to stay out of sight behind a fake potted plant. The second Cosmo had seen Don and Kathy together, he'd regretted coming. In the old days, he and Don had always stuck together at parties; Don always being quick to ditch whatever woman he happened to be with. Tonight, though, Don had just given him a friendly nod and vaguely asked him how he was, before guiding Kathy across the floor to introduce her to everyone. And Kathy—she had hardly even looked at him. He'd thought that seeing them together would get easier, but it hadn't. There was still that stabbing pain in his heart and his stomach every time he saw them holding hands, let alone thinking about what else they did together. Not wanting to let the pain get to him any more, Cosmo searched for another glass, even though it meant venturing from behind the plant.

"Cosmo!"

In his somewhat dazed state, he nearly jumped at the shrill, inimitable voice.

"Hi, Cosmo" Lina bounded up to him and gently touched his arm. "How are you?"

"Just wonderful, Miss Lamont. Glad to see your broken heart has managed to heal itself so quickly."

She rolled her eyes. "_Cosmo_, don't be mean. I was gonna ask you for a favor, but now I don't think I wanna."

"Oh, well, I had no idea _you_ were going to ask _me _for a favor, I suppose I should be grateful."

She pouted, and for a moment, he could see some real hurt in her eyes. The poor kid _had_ just been through a break-up, regardless of the fact that there had been no relationship to break up in the first place.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to take me home."

"Couldn't you just take a taxi?"

She shook her head. "I don't like the way they smell."

"Well, how did you get here?"

"My driver took me, but I wanted to give him the rest of the night off. He looked kinda tired."

Cosmo sighed. He was about to refuse, but then looked back at the bevvy of men she had just been with. Obviously, any of them would have been happy to take her home, so there had to be some reason she'd wanted him to take her. And it wasn't as though he had anything else to do that night.

"All right, Lina. Get your coat."

She smiled and kissed him primly on the cheek.

"Be right back."

He stared after her, marveling at her sudden change of heart about him, and at how her rear looked in the dress she had on.

When they got in the car, she immediately cuddled next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and putting her arm around him.

"You sure you just wanted me to drive you home?"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I'm already doing it, so unless there's something else you want from me, there is no reason for you to be fawning over me like this."

She made a little whining sound and stroked his neck with her finger. "Well, I want you have a drink with me when you take me home."

"Lina, I can tell you right now that no amount of neck-massaging is going to make me want to go along with whatever harebrained scheme you've come up with to get back at Don."

"What makes you think I wanna get back at Don? I'm just glad he's happy."

"Oh, save it for _Photoplay_. I've known you for three years, and I've seen you ruin at least five careers, not counting what you tried to do to Kathy. Hell, there's not a cameraman alive as good as Thomas Caller, but because of you, he can't work in any studio in this town."

She grinned and nestled her head even closer. "He can't, can he? Well, that's what he gets for saying that Betty Bronson is more talented than me."

They drove in silence for a few more minutes until Cosmo broke down.

"All right, what _is _your plan? You can't just force the studio to make him quit, especially now that _Singin' in the Rain_ was such a smash."

"No. I ain't even sayin' I wanna get him fired."

"Then what _do_ you want?"

"I want you to have a drink with me."

Cosmo sighed and considered the situation. He had nothing to lose, and had become genuinely interested in what Lina was planning.

"Sure, kiddo."

She kissed him on the cheek again, this time hard enough to leave a mark.

He pulled the car into her driveway of her lavish Sunset house and escorted her inside, while she continued to cling onto him. He smiled to himself, wondering what kind of scheme was so devious that she needed to butter him up that much in order to get him to go along. Not that he would, of course; after all, Don was still his best friend, and Kathy was still—

"What do you like? My bootlegger just came in with a swell haul."

"I'll just have a scotch and soda"

"Suit yourself."

She made their drinks with an obviously practiced speed, then sat down beside him on the living room couch.

"Cosmo" she purred, gazing at him adoringly.

"Lina."

She cleared her throat and shifted her position so that he got the best possible view of her body in that skin-tight dress.

" I've been thinking—and _don't_ make some crack about how that must be a new experience for me."

"I wouldn't dream of it"

"Look, Cosmo, everybody's just going crazy over Don and Kathy. So, I was thinkin' that it would look nice if I had someone new too, at least for a while."

"You know, Lina, you could have just cut the middle man and told everyone we'd done it. They probably would have believed you."

"Well yeah, I was gonna do that, but then I figured it would be more fun if we actually did it. And besides, Don broke my heart and Kathy broke yours,"

"Hey, wha—"

"Shush, everyone knows it, Cos., and I think it's only fair to show 'em that we can both move on and do better."

"Kathy did _not_ break my heart, Lina. She was Don's girl right from the start."

"That doesn't mean anything, Cos. She should have given you a chance." She reached out and stroked his hair. "It must be hard for you, seeing him get everything you want."

"It's not his fault. He's a better actor, he's handsomer, he um, he deserves all the breaks he's-he's got" Cosmo's voice trailed off as Lina started playing with his earlobe.

"Oh, you _know_ that's not true. No one should hurt their best friend like that. But you know, there's only one cure for a broken heart."

"If you honestly think that I'm going to leap into bed with you because you want to make my best friend jealous and get some publicity, then-"

His diatribe was cut off abruptly as she kissed him on the lips. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her as her tongue explored his mouth. Between the feel of her body so close to his and the delicious taste of her tongue—of course she'd popped a few breath mints earlier on-he knew he was a goner. Just when he thought he couldn't get any more intoxicated by her, she grabbed his hands and pressed them against her breasts.

She broke the kiss and stared at him expectantly, her breasts still covered by his hands.

"Then I think you might be on to something, actually."

She smiled as he leaned in and kissed her, this time gently squeezing her breasts.

"C'mon, Cosmo. Take me to the bedroom"

He smiled and scooped her up in his arms. She was Lina Lamont, of course she was going to call all the shots; and of course he couldn't help but do everything she told him to. He laid her on the bed as gently as he could, and she sat up and helped undo his tie.

"You're so _handsome_, Cosmo!"

"Yeah?" It wasn't even that he believed her, but she was so beautiful, looking up at him with those huge brown eyes from underneath those long, dark lashes, that it was impossible not to be flattered. He ran his hand through her hair, taking off the glittery headband she was wearing. "You're not so bad yourself, kiddo."

She kissed him again and moved her hands down and unbuttoned his shirt. He took off his undershirt; almost embarrassed by the way she was looking at him.

"_Gee_, you're so muscular!" She ran her hands up and down his chest, giving the occasional love bite as she went. She undid his belt and his fly, before tugging his pants down so that they puddled around his ankles. She stood up and turned around so that he could unzip her dress. He helped her tug it off, which was no small feat considering how it clung to her body, and he took a moment to admire her. She had on black lacy lingerie, with short knickers and no stockings.

While he took the time to look at her, she pouted and undid her bra, slipping it off her arms. Her breasts weren't quite as fashionably small as they looked in that too-tight bra, but to him, they were absolute perfection. While he stared, she cupped them in his hands, running her fingers over the hardening pink tips.

"You like them?" She asked, eyeing the bulge in his shorts.

He nodded, knowing that he wouldn't be able to say anything coherent. She lay back down on the bed. "C'mon, Cosmo, I'm so horny."

He got on top of her and kissed her lips again, before migrating to her neck. She whimpered slightly, and pushed his shoulders down so that his lips were level with her breasts. He started kissing the top of her breast, and slowly kissed his way along the outside, in a leisurely spiral towards her nipple. She grunted with frustration, and tried to push him lower, but he disregarded her for the first time that evening. If this was his first and last time with Lina Lamont, he was going to enjoy every inch of her with his lips, tongue, and teeth. She gasped and clutched the bed sheets as he gave her a hicky on the bottom of her breast. He moved his lips upwards and delicately kissed her nipple, before flicking his tongue across it. After a few more little licks, his kisses got harder, and he enveloped her nipple with his mouth. He sucked and licked, darting his tongue back and fourth across it, and biting down as gently as possible.

"Cosmo" she whined

"Yeah, Lina"

"You don't want to make the other one jealous, do you?"

He smirked and switched sides, until he knew he couldn't take any more. He kissed down her body, and slowly pulled her knickers down her long legs.

"Fuck me, Cosmo. Fuck me like you've never fucked anyone before."

"Miss Lina Lamont" he growled before taking his shorts off, "I am going to fuck you like no one's ever _dreamed_ of fucking before."

She wriggled a little, and spread her legs for him. He started to move back up her body, but she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh no, Cos. Couldn't you do it the other way? It's so much nicer and I won't get pregnant, and well, you're so good with your fingers that I figured you'd be a natural. Well, I bet you're just _wonderful_ at it."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't go _that_ far, but I've been told I'm passable."

"You're just modest, Cos."

"Only one way to be sure, I guess."

She grinned and settled herself onto the bed, as he placed his hand between her legs and started fondling her. She arched her back and groaned softly as his thumb grazed her clit. He pressed harder, making her giggle and shriek. Even with her shrill voice, it was the sexiest noise he had ever heard. As gently as he could, he spread her nether lips, and dipped a finger inside. She squirmed again, and he added another finger, pumping them in and out of her until they were slick.

"You ready, Lina?"

"OhGodyes"

She disentangled herself from him and sat up on the bed, as he stared at her for a second.

"C'mon, Cos. Weren't you gonna…" she waved her hand in the general direction of her crotch.

"Oh, you-you want to do it _that _way."

She nodded eagerly and, unable to resist, he lay down next to her.

"Thanks, Cos."

"Don't mention it, kiddo."

She straddled him and gripped the headboard of her bed for support. He put his hands on her hips and lowered her down, taking her mound into his mouth as he did so. She gasped, as he started sucking at her clit and manipulating it with his tongue. She whimpered with pleasure, and he doubled his efforts, flicking his tongue back and fourth and running his hands along her thighs. She squirmed and shrieked and giggled, as he made her come multiple times.

"I don't think I can take any more." She gasped after a delicious eternity.

He stopped and she flopped onto the bed next to him before getting off the bed and walking toward the bathroom.

"I'm gonna take a shower here. There's one you can use in the guest room."

"Thanks, Lina." He sat up, still in a daze.

The shower helped him wake up, as he finally got to relieve the tension that had been building up in him all night. He was grateful that he'd been able to keep control of himself for so long; there was no telling what Lina would have done if he'd stained her sheets.

When he finished, he came back to the bedroom to find it empty. Of course she was the type to take a long time in the bathroom. She emerged eventually, wearing a silky pink nightgown and a cold cream-drenched face.

"You look good, kiddo" he murmured, as she slipped into bed next to him. "Hey listen, I'm sorry for all the times I might not have said the nicest things to you. It's just—that's just how I am with everybody."

"I forgive you, Cosmo."

She rolled over so that they were facing each other, and kissed him on the nose, before nuzzling against his chest. He held her against him, and kissed her forehead.

"You know, Cos, maybe I won't tell anyone what we did, and we can do it again, and no one will have to know about it, and no one will bother us about it."

"That's a swell idea, kiddo. Don and Kathy would probably just make fun of us for it anyway."

She nodded slowly and soon fell asleep. He stayed up a bit longer, content to just look at her.


End file.
